HAMLET (Condensed to three minutes)
 
                              by Adam MacNaughton.
              (as sung by Michael Carthy to the tune Mason's Apron)
 
        There was a king nodding in his garden all alone
        When his brother in his ear poured a little bit of henbane
        Stole his brother's crown and his money and his widow
        But the dead king walked and got his son and said "Now listen kiddo,
        I've been killed and it's your duty to take revenge on Claudius,
        Kill him quick and clean and tell the nation what a fraud he is."
        The kid says, "Right, I'll do it but I'll have to play it crafty,
        So that no one will suspect me I'll kid on that I'm a dafty"
 
        So for all except Horatio, and he counts him as a friend,
        Hamlet, that's the kid, he kids on he's round the bend
        And because he's not yet willing for obligatory killing
        He tries to make his uncle think he's tuppence off a shilling.
        Takes a rise out of Polonius, treats poor Ophelia vile,
        Tells Rosencranz and Guildenstern that Denmark's blooded bile
        Till a troupe of travelling actors like seven eighty four
        Arrive to do a special one night gig in Elsinore.
 
        Hamlet, Hamlet, acting balmy
        Hamlet, Hamlet, loves his mommy
        Hamlet, Hamlet hesitating
        He wonders if the ghost's a fake and that is why he's waiting
 
        So Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact
        So Horatio and him could watch to see if Claudius cracked
        The play was called "The Mousetrap," not the one that's running now,
        And sure enough, the king walked out before the scene was through
        So Hamlet's got the proof his uncle gave his dad the dose,
        The only problem being now that Claudius knows he knows,
        So while Hamlet tells his mother her new husband's not a fit man
        Uncle Claude takes out a contract with the English king as hit man.
 
        Then when Hamlet killed Polonius, the concealed corpus delecti
        Was the the king's excuse to send for an English hempen necktie
        With Rosencranz and Guildenstern to make quite sure he got there
        But Hamlet jumped the boat and put the finger straight on that pair.
        When Laertes heard his dad was killed in the bedroom of the heiress
        He came running back to Elsinore tout-suite hot foot from Paris
        When Ophelia heard her dad's killed by the man she was to marry
        After saying it with flowers she committed hari-kari.
 
        Hamlet, Hamlet no messin'
        Hamlet, Hamlet learned his lesson
        Hamlet, Hamlet Yorick's crust
        Convinced him all men good and bad at last must come to dust.
 
        Then Laertes lost his cool and was demanding retribution,
        The king said keep your head and I'll supply you a solution
        So the king arranged a swordfight for the interested parties
        With a blunted sword for Hamlet and a sharp sword for Laertes
        And to to make double sure (the old belt-and-braces line)
        He fixed up a poisoned sword-tip and a poisoned cup of wine
        The poisoned sword got Hamlet but Laertes went and fluffed it
        Because he got stabbed himself and he confessed before he snuffed it.
 
        Then Hamlet's mummy drank the wine and as her face turned blue,
        Hamlet said, "I think this king's a baddie through and through."
        "Incestuous murderous damned Dane," he said to be precise
        Then made up for hesitating once by killing Claudius twice.
        He stabbed him with his knife and forced the wine between his lips
        Then he said, "The rest is silence," and he cashed in all his chips.
        They fired a volley over him that shook the topmost rafter
        And then Fortinbras, knee-deep in Danes, lived happy ever after.
 
        Hamlet, Hamlet, end of story
        Hamlet, Hamlet, very gory
        Hamlet, Hamlet, I'm on my way
        And if you thought that was confusing you should read the bloody play.
 
 
          - David
 
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